How Cialis Saved My Careers in Espionage and Pornography: A Semi-True Story
I’m the first to admit I got a cool job – actually two cool jobs. When the cameras are rolling, I get to be anybody as an actor. My name is Palms, Harry Palms, and when the camera turns off, that’s when the real shooting begins.
I’ll tell you straight – the chance to buy Cialis online saved my life.
I don’t want to go into what really caused my erectile dysfunction. It wasn’t being strapped down to a table with a laser beam chewing its way through steel up to my privates. And it wasn’t the time my arch-nemesis, Blowchunks, smeared me in tarragon sauce and dipped me in the shark tank. No it was something worse, much worse: I started getting old.
I tried to buy Cialis online by looking for the cheapest generic stuff, but the science boys down in the lab told me I should really consult a doctor and stick with the real thing.
“I can see why they call you Harry Palms,” sneered our tech guy, Maurice. “Don’t you know you should only deal with a reputable online pharmacy?”
“Look, I need to buy Cialis online somewhere fast,” I told him in a masculine whimper. “Or they won’t send me on any missions, and the studio is thinking of cutting my parts – and I don’t mean my screen roles. I know I’ve gone soft, but now it’s time to show I can be strong when I’m in a tight spot. You got to help me! Tell me how I can get online Cialis!”
“Can’t,” snapped Maurice. “I’ve got to get back to the lab.”
“The lab can wait!”
“No,” he insisted. “The lab can never wait.”
I knew deep down he was right. There in the corner sat Rex, the science boys’ Labrador Retriever. It was true: he shouldn’t keep the lab waiting.
I knew that my best hope for gaining access to online Cialis lay with the head of our intelligence network, O, a large man who used to be a crack operative but who developed agoraphobia and a painful shyness of women. As a result, most of our female operatives had trouble finding the big O, and they often complained to me that no matter what they do, the big O was out of reach. All of their reports about online Cialis had been re-routed to sector G, and I was told if I wanted them, I really should find the G spot, which would help them reach the big O.
Then I got a call. It was the big man himself.
“Listen, my boy, I want you to jump on the first flight to Tokyo. You’ve worked for us for a long time and we’re not about to let you go just because of a perfectly treatable condition. We’ve got something that can help you, but you’ll need to go out on a mission.”
(fast forward)
“Welcome to Japan, Mr. Palms,” said the gorgeous flight attendants as I got off the plane. I rushed past the giant lizard crashing through the streets and made my way over to our Japanese headquarters.
“Harry,” said O. “The forces of evil are trying to buy Cialis online around the clock to corner the market. They know that when it comes down to Cialis vs. Viagra, Viagra only lasts four hours while a single dose of Cialis can last an amazing 36 hours. You’ve got to stop them, Harry.
“Your mission is to capture their best operative and interrogate her by any means necessary. She’s cunning and deadly so be careful. We’re giving you a dose of online Cialis to take with you. It’s all part of a new technology we refer to as Pharmaceutically Humane Alternatives for Longer-Lasting Undercover Penetration.”
I wrinkled my brow. “Pharmaceutically Humane…?”
“Code name P.H.A.L.L.U.S,” explained O. “We want you to find their operative and use the P.H.A.L.L.U.S. if you need to. We know that online Cialis means firmer, longer-lasting erections, and frankly that’s a truth that some will find hard to swallow. But you’re a professional, my boy. I told myself only this morning, “A P.H.A.L.L.U.S. used properly and in the right place can be the best thing for Harry Palms.”
Truer words were never spoken.
It was a fiendish scheme. If the enemy could corner the market of online Cialis, they could do the worst damage to the male libido since the expression “Let’s be friends.”
It was no secret who the top operative was for the competition. It was a well-stacked redhead from Ukraine known as The Screamer. She had ruined at least ten of our agents with her demoralizing cries of “More! More!” It was this, and her incessant nagging to cuddle afterwards. I never had a more dangerous mission. And yet I knew I would really love her pierogis.
Naturally I used my crack intelligence skills to find her in the dumpling aisle at the supermarket. We bumped carts and then went to her place to hit the sheets.
I took my Cialis and fifteen minutes later, I had her handcuffed to the headboard. She thought I was just being playful, but I soon came out with the truth. “No more foreplay, baby, I’m a spy just like you. I want to know how you’ve managed to buy Cialis online and ruin it for the rest of us.”
“Do your worst, American pig!” she yelled. “None of your foolish seduction techniques will work on me! I won’t tell you anything! You can forget it!”
I dropped my trousers.
“Okay, you can go ahead and try,” she said. “Use all the means at your disposal, see if that works.”
I got to give her credit. She held out for the whole weekend. She made me run through the entire repertoire of interrogation techniques I learned in training. Sexy Pizza Delivery Boy, Sexy Plumber and Naughty French Businessman From Out of Town. Boy, that online Cialis didn’t let me down.
At last I fell back on my most ruthless technique of all: Sexy but Stern Headmaster at Private Girls’ Finishing School.
“All right!” screamed the Screamer. “All right, I’ll tell you everything! It’s nerds – our secret is teenage nerds! They’re young, pimply, often work in tech support and rarely suffer from erectile dysfunction. But they don’t have a hope in hell of getting any girls! They’ll gladly manipulate the Internet, making it tougher for older guys to buy Cialis online, just out of spite. So I gave them a roll in the hay and a couple of X-Men comics, and we had the entire Eastern seaboard in five hours!”
“Well, you’re going to give it all back, sugar,” I said. “Denying men the opportunity to buy Cialis online is plain un-American.”
So that was how online Cialis saved my life, how I returned the favor by foiling an international plot to buy up all the available online Cialis, and how I helped men all over the world achieve longer and more satisfying erections.
“Wait, wait, I’ve been holding out on you,” replied my enemy sprawled out on the bed. “You should question me some more.”
I knew I had many long hours ahead of me, but I thought I better stick around to save democracy. The things I do for the ol’ U.S.A…